I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
