Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
