'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
