i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
