I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
