Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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