Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
