Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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