I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
