there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
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