You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
