so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
i out mim tonsoeep
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