Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I just gargled with NyQuil
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Randomize
