apparently the secret to your success is patron
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
