She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
