cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
