two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
