cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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