no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
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My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
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He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
So vagazzling was a success
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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