Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
