She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
