dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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