Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
