bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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