The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
