my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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