I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Randomize
