worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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