I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
