your thong is hanging out like whoa
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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