For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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