If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
