I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
