Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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