So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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