the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
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