All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
