i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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