my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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