I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
