So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
