she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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