Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
