she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
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