omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
