call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
