Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Never let your siblings swipe right.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
