Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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