I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize