I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
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I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
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Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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