break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
