We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
