i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
