U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
