I just gift wrapped bread.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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