The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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