i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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