chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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