I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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