I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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